you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
