I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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