Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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