I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
