Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
