Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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