What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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