This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
