i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think a kid would responsible me up
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
