My nipple is on Facebook.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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