watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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