Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
