ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
