I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
