I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
