I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
