I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
