You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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