what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
