I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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