Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
