ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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