when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
