you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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