i permit you to call me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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