she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
