somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
