And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
