Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
