Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
