There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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