lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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