So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
