I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
