Your mouth is God's brothel.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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