Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize