I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
