Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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