i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
