I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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