Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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