I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
