you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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