M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
