i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
