I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize