the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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