Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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