My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
