Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is Oprah even human
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
