He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
