I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
