so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
