Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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