Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
