i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
