I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
