I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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