All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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