He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
