God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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