Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
