The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Im part way to drunk.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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