I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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