You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
