Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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