onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
