oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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